Meeting Douglass for the last time
as told by Robert

Over 2 months ago, Amy (Taco Tim's girlfriend) was moving some stuff out of the house for Tim. She left the door wide open because she was going in and out so much. In the process a chipmunk got in. We arrived home that night to find a note on the steps that said, "There's a chipmunk in your house. -Amy"

During the past couple months we saw the chipmunk quite a bit, usually on a weekly basis. Somewhere we decided to name him Douglass, as in 306 W. Douglass. He became a fun 306WD feature, providing hours of quality conversation for us and our friends. 306WD really has it all, you know; seriously faulty wiring, styrofoam walls, broken toilet seats, pseudo-brick, stinky aquariums, stinky people.

I met Douglass today. He and I were both in the kitchen. I think he was trying to hide from me. Didn't work. Eventually I got him cornered into the food pantry and got the door shut. Then I was a bit stumped as to what to do with Douglass.

After stewing around for 5 minutes or so, I had a crafty vision. I went out onto the side porch, where we have an endless supply of 4x8 sheets of particleboard and such. I ended up dragging several sheets into the kitchen and created a path for our small friend to follow. He had a few choices. Stay in the pantry. Stay in the middle of the kitchen floor, looking confused. Or, run like a demon outside.

I set up a pretty clear path for him to follow. It ran trough the kitchen, and out the side porch and down the steps. I gave it a quick once over and grabbed a big stick. Then I jumped up onto the window sill and opened the pantry. There he was. A bit scared I think. Had to prod around a bit before he got the idea that he should move. After 20 seconds or so he took off for mid-kitchen. He had a slight pause mid-kitchen. Chipmunks are smarter than you'd think though, and he figured out the course I set for him. Got a quick nod good bye from him and then he was out the door like a shot. After 2 months in 306WD captivity, Douglass, the friendly chipmunk was finally liberated.

And the response....
You sick fiendish beast. By keeping poor Douglass in captivity you have acclimated him to your own "stinky aquariums, stinky people" habitat. Now that he has rejoined his forest brethren not only will he be ostracized by his tribe because of his "crazy stories" of what the stinky aquarium people are like, but some chipmunks may even believe the stories and eventually start a Kill The Stinky People movement. You're in for it now, Buster. Should have eaten the fucker while you had the chance.


Nicholas J. Lauer
People for the Eating of Tasty Animals (PETA)